I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
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listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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