If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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