I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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