Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When are your genitals available?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
