You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She told me I should be a condom model.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm too high and old for this...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
