dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
