and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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