im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
