Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
