I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
