i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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