guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I skipped work to stalk him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
