i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
