I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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