I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
