omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
