OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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