I wish my penis had an off switch
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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