I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
