the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
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You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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