Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
