Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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