the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
