you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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