apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
