Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
