I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
