I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
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What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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