he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
