There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
