the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
