what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
