does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
