i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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