A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just blew my weed a kiss
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
