I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
