she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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