I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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