im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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