dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
