So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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