im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
