i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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