I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
