there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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