the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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