Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
