what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
