apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
