Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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