He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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