at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
