my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
